My heart weeps..

My fingers, the ones using the mouse and on top of the keyboard froze the moment I opened my inbox. ‘Friendster Reminder – Farhani Adlin’s Birthday is Coming Up’ email really left me breathless.

Farhani Adlin passed away years ago. Succumbed to cancer. I could still see her smile. Oh yea, she loved to smile. And she loved to laugh too. She was a bubbly girl. We were good friends back in MRSM and all would agree that with her leaving the world about a year after SPM, left a hole in our hearts.

Her story was a devastating one. Her mother died because of cancer too when Fanny was younger and I remember we all broke down into tears when we found out that when Fanny was sick in the hospital, she was actually bedridden on the same bed as her late mother.

Just imagine how her father felt.

I can’t say more.

May Allah SWT bless her soul. Al-Fatihah.

In love.

I found her by accident. After a few hours working on the term paper (you're this close to seeing stars rotating above my head), I browsed the Internet and innocently clicked on an episode of Ellen’s show with a 6 year old guest, named Emily. Before I continue yapping about her, brace yourself and listen up to one of the most beautiful melodies ever (at least to me).



Emily Bear. She composed that Ellen’s song herself. Can you believe it? In 10 minutes. Yeap. I had a few moments of denial am tellin’ you for she was so young. I mean, what could you really do when you were 6? And yeah, climbing a tree and then fell off breaking your arms or building a sand castle doesn't count.

She steals my heart and that comes out of a shock to me too ‘cos (glancing around) I don’t usually find kids adorable. Okay maybe sometimes but not most of the times. Yet. Seeing her magical lil fingers move, a really unexpected thought of having a kid that can play like her came to mind. Yikes.

As I was saying, Ellen’s song is simply the bomb. Ellen Degeneres was lucky to have a kid that young creating such a beautiful melody for her. I am still playing the tune over and over again. Am so in love with it.

Okay just check out this another clip of her being interviewed by some tv station and you get to know her origin, family. And also, she started hitting the piano notes when she was 2yo. Yes.. 2!!



That reminds me of another talented old woman..err pardon me, talented woman with a gold heart, Susan Boyle who sings beautifully that managed to keep prick Simon Cowell's mouth shut the moment she opened her own mouth.

Just imagine, there are so many talented, special people out there. I mean of course it doesn't have to be related to musics only. You can be totally clueless about music, about art, or sports, or maths or anything.. yet you're still special. In your own way.

Each person is wonderfully special. That's why I never make comparison. Some people tend to do that. Perhaps they can't help it.

Personally for me, it is never a fair deal to compare someone to someone else. It doesn't work that way. 'Cos I always believe that everyone is different and special and has their own way of carrying themselves.

No matter who you are. Or what you have become.

A sad truth.

'There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.'

~ Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Before the deadline.

I've managed to come up with some words, yet it is so so far from the finish line. And do I have to keep reminding myself that I have 4 more to go? Arrgh!

Wise Man : Part 11 'Ambiguity'

WM : I realized something. I got it all wrong.

Me : You? Come on. What do you mean?

WM : A close friend was right over afternoon coffee earlier. He shed some light, am tellin' ya. It took him so many years of failed friendships, relationships and ships of sorts to learn lessons of life. I started then to realise all these years, these numerous exchanges and experiences with people, with colours that life offers us, I've been using the wrong approaches in these ships of sorts. I fail to understand that expectations can't be imposed, and that I had been treading on the wrong path all these years.

Me : Hold on. I've asked you this before. And you said, expectations can always be dealt with.

WM : (sighed) I know. As much as I mock my pal about not discovering this earlier, I am guilty of it. I state the boundaries in my head, I state the conditions in my life, I make the mistake of doing the same for others. Control as some would like to label it, I'd like to cry the plea of ignorance.

Me : We're on the same page, mister. Sometimes, I forget that as much I enjoy fluidity, openness, I do impose expectations, conditions and placements on people I care for without realising how much I hurt them.

WM : That's what I'm trying to say. We tend to hurt people. And it gets even worse if we know we are hurting them, but we're not doing anything to work on it. To make things better. (He paused and again let out an audible sigh) It’s the same journey each time I take when I behave this way, selfishly, not realising that constricting, expecting, cause pain and push people away. Friends, lovers and closed confidants.

Me : What are you trying to say? You don't look so good. Are you okay?

WM : (gulped hard before scratching his chin) People change, people have their spaces and lives, and I do not give them the benefit of doubt, selfishly I ask, I plea, for values, time, space and conveniences that often or not, undeserving of me.

You have to remember,babe that friendships, relationships and ships of sorts are not possessions, not within my control, not mine and mine alone.

Me : I'll keep that in mind.

WM : We have to open our minds, values, moods, thoughts, feelings. Tell me babe, have you scarred anyone?

Me : (eyes widen, sighing) Who haven't, right?

WM : That's the thing. I wish I could go and apologise to those whom I’ve hurt or had scarred. I used to wanting things so much it slipped through my fingers, I squeezed so tight it suffocated, I loved so hard it broke.

Me : (whispered to myself) To all the heartbroken chikas, uh?

WM : (seemed not to catch it but if he did, he didn't act like it) I hope to move on, to learning lessons of importance, in preserving friendships, relationships, any kind of 'ships' out there, I won’t be not guilty of expecting again.

Me : (grinning from ear to ear) Chill now, babe. That's life right. It's about living in expectations, in ambiguity. I've been trying to educate myself to that for quite awhile now. So smile now.

WM : (chuckled) Am in the hot seat today, ey? Your lucky day, gal. Your luck day.

Ambiguity. A delicious one.

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.

~ Gilda Radner

Of living life and 'kipas'.

When a colleague and I were on our way to grab some drinks+brunch close to 11.30am earlier, and as I stopped at a junction in campus, I let out a chuckle. The weather was hot like usual and it’s common nowadays that we see girls and get this; even boys are using their colorful, flowery umbrellas everywhere they go. And this one scene that really caught my attention was, two boys (those are my students actually so that what made it a bit funnier) were together riding a bicycle, (the one with a bucket in front, the ones girls usually ride on) and the boy sitting at the back was holding the umbrella up, covering the boy pedaling in front. I mean, I’m not sure what really tickled me, but the thing is they looked so happy and free.

Watching them made me smile. Simply. I've noticed that simple things like that could make my day. Does that make me less complicated or 'hangin'?

Then, my mind quickly backpedalled to at least 3 years ago when I was still a student; thinking mostly about nothing but myself. We simply just had fun (other than going to classes and assignment and er..assignments) most of the time.

Thing is, we should live our lives. Some people forget to cool down. Making fuss over the same matter over and over again. Like myself for example, I do dwell on things all the time (everybody does that.. I’ll kick you if you say no!). I still do. Always. Musing over old rusty stuffs like always but that doesn’t mean I forget to breathe.

Owh well. It’s the final week before the examination. I can’t wait for the whole thing to be done with. Some kids were sweet enough to buy my gifts (taktik bodek la tu..) This one boy even bought me a bar of Cadbury, the big one. Shweet. Indian students bringin’ crispy muruku to the office too. Super nice uh? That reminds me. During this presentation session a few days ago, a group of four boys did a ‘Oh Carol’ song and get this, they changed the name to Suria instead! The whole class roared with whistles and laughter cos’ the four vivacious boys even danced to the beat. I tried my best not to blush. A tactic alright and the girls who sat pretty close to me kept asking ‘Extra marks ya Miss?!’..

Felt like knockin’ them on the head. Lol. Hard.

Buddies.

Friends may come and go. The thoughtful, nicer ones would stay on no matter what. According to him (who has experienced the ups and downs of the cruel world), friends only hang around when you’re capable of helping out. In a way it means, the saying “a friend in need, is a friend indeed” is not his cup of tea. He knows more.

For the time being, I do know who my friends are. The ones I cherish. I know we can’t be sure about tomorrow, right but let’s focus on today.

I’ve been blessed to have these people whom I can call friends. Even better because I get to see some of them lately.

Earlier during Ramadan, Lyd came over bringing me a lot of lauks, yummy lauks cooked by her mother. And am tellin’ you, there were a lot. Thanks again babe. You should have seen her buying keropok on the last day she was here. Stuffing the car with keropok lekor. I haven’t heard from her for awhile except on my birthday and yeah she even posted me a birthday wish to my home which is super nice of her. Bet she’s extra busy with work. All the best, gal! (tu la..soh larik tak mo)

On my birthday, I was so happy because I got to hang out with Ezie (apart from spending it with my other half), my dearest one who just celebrated her own birthday only six days earlier than me. Which means, I’m six days younger, babe. Lol. I was beyond happy actually for it’s been awhile since we last met and both of us have matured abit. I couldn’t stop smiling watching her. We’ve gone through so much together. The hours spent were not enough to be exact for she had to go back to work that day. But we bid farewell only after promising each other to keep in touch and perhaps, meet up again soon.


Last Friday, I should have camped out with Faa, another close friend from boarding school up to college time. I have envisioned us in Pjs having a slumber party. Being with her is always a loud party because we tend to enjoy life, having put the problems at the back of our heads for the moment. However though, the plan had to put on hold for her cousin was due to labor. Another time okay babe?

Instead, I spent my time with Cash, another dear friend back in college in Kuantan. I remember the day we were dragged into Syikin’s car to this restaurant on the second day in IKIP. We were rascals during the days there. Money was simply spent like there’s no tomorrow (upshot of having anak datuks as friends..haha). A short period when I was in a transition of naivety (being in a comfort zone) to self-determination as a teenager. We did so many things together (wild or not, told ya we were teenagers that just got out from boarding schools). Cash was kind enough to pick me up after class and took me to late supper at his so–called favourite diner. He was right though, the prawn platter was a real dig!

The next day, I hung out with Nala, who was together with her rather pious(haha) boyfriend. We couldn’t stop chuckling and smiling as the last time we met would be during Peed’s wedding back in June (yeah, the one we ambushed the bride’s bedroom). I was happy seeing her happy, just got back from visiting her soon-to-be in laws. We couldn’t talk much though, meaning couldn’t have our usual yakking as the guy was there with us all the time( tak kasik can langsung!) She even brought me her famous steamed chocolate cakes. Even thoughtful enough to bake one for him. Thanks nyah! It’s delicious.

(*winks.. G4, I didn’t forget)

I also managed to make a stop at G4’s place in Teluk Intan last August on the way to Kl from Lumut. I can still remember the moment I saw the school with its big name painted against the wall. I had to like, keep blinking trying to make sure whether it's right or not. She was shocked alright when I gave her a call and simply told her that I was just outside of her school. The minute we laid eyes on each other, we shrieked out of joy, forgetting about the students who were obviously so nosy looking at us. It’s been so long since we last met. And yeah, I went to see her just about 2 days after her birthday. Surprise birthday waylay, I tell ya’. Lol. Should I also write here that you look abit different, pak? hehehe.. sweeter like always tho'.

I can’t wait to meet all of them again. And my other buddies too. Before most of us start to step into another world(bukan alam barzakh but the marriage life laa), before some of us start to keep focusing on other matters other than friends. It’s life, right.

A friend is one that knows you as you are, understands where you have been, accepts what you have become, and still, gently allows you to grow.

~ William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

Makan-makan @ work

A year has passed by and like they always do, this year the faculty again conducted a really mega Syawal celebration on 15th of October. Am tellin' ya... I felt like it was just last week that I attended the faculty's open house last year. I was this sorta very shy girl, being hye'ed and bye'd here and there by the seniors. But this year? Geez.. the shy girl is gone, babe! Lol.

I had so much fun. And mind you, there were plenty of food too! Each department catered a different dish along with the main ones ordered by the faculty. The moment my dear buddy and colleague, Kak Ez arrived at the scene, we quickly attacked the yummy soto. It was delicious!

There were a few cakes and kuehs too. Chocolate cakes, cheese cakes you name it. Nasi dagang, laksa, spaghetti,oil rice (haha… can’t remember who called it that before), roti jala and others. We were stuffed! Each and all of us girls wanted to have a taste of everything and pictures were snapped throughout the process too.

Such a great environment to be in as well as that was a moment when all the staff got to meet up and you know, exchange news and all. It’s a time where you get to see faces that you rarely bump into around campus for most of the Drs and Profs are rather busy with researches and seminars and most of the time they are out of town. One or two I've never seen before and turned out to be the taikos! And they all are very sweet. Yeap, even the bald ones. Lol.

It's a good feeling to mingle with all. We get to free our mind from complicated matters. Even only for awhile. Worth every minute.

When feelings are mocked

Earlier, I played my role as a confidant, lending ears for an aching heart.

“He laughed when I cried,” she said, gently shaking her head.

“Uh?” That’s all I could say. Watching me, she continued, “When it came to a point when I couldn’t take it anymore, my eyes started to..you know, pouring out the water out of no where, and he simply laughed. And that hurts am tellin’ you.. for I hardly cry.“

“Gees.." Another short one from me.

“My questions; my rather innocent, straightforward questions suffocated him, he said.” she inhaled deeply. “And also he thinks I tend to make everything an issue. A big one.”

“Even worse, he scorned when I told him I’m concerned about him. I mean what you’re supposed to do when you love someone?”

I stood there, numb with my mind partly wandering all over the universe, trying to understand.

“There’s more. Acts of affection are considered as guidelines, which again stifled him. I was like..uh? I've never thought that the emotion of loving someone needs adjustment. I thought love is ..love” She sighed.

I managed a scoff.

“Now tell me, what you have to say?” she asked me, but when I looked at her, I was sure she was elsewhere, didn’t really want to hear my opinion on the matter.

I knew she just wanted to speak her heart out.

So I said nothing.

Live the moment.

I was in the toilet today, minding my own business when that sweet, 40-something lady cleaner was sweeping the floor outside my cubicle, and singing to herself, loudly, but melodiously. Right that minute I had the (quickly repressed) impulse to sing along. And to be exact, she was singing a raya song, the one by Rahimah Rahim.

I was feeling somewhat care free, and the idea of joining in her singing came both from a sense of the humor of the situation, as well as a desire to entertain if not her, myself.

Now I realize that if I had sung along with the lady, it would have been unconventional. But there are free spirits in the world. Had I given reign to my impulse, could it not be considered free-spirited? My mother, after all, would walk along the street by herself, singing. Geez..she would even dance if she’s in the mood. Lol.

Am I a free-spirit? Probably yes (don’t even bother ask my close buddies, they’d call me overly so-called care-free), although it's practically quite impossible to know for sure since for much of my life, my true personality was either concealed by coyness and hesitation, or pretty much total surrender depends on the circumstances.

There I was; standing still listening to her singing, once or twice had her voice cracked yet she was indeed relishing her moment in her own way. And listening to her, made me feel good. Simply.

A remembrance to live the moment. Whoever you are.

Memories, revisited..

Unexpected things do happen. When you least expect it to knock on your door.



Thank you b, from the bottom of my heart.

A year has gone by..

Dear Diary,

Forgive me. It’s been awhile I know, but I’ve been hooked up to something rather inconsequential, simply unappealing to be mentioned. But the great news would be, Of Mas Tulen and Honey is a year old now! Wow.

About a year ago today, I was a green ,lil keyed up navigator just about ready to venture the new world (with so much time on her plate that she had the unlimited time to do most about anything, even to set up a humble blog which actually tells nothing more from a babbling heart).

I was eager to set my eyes on the world. All geared up to face the masters. Pretty much an invulnerably untouchable girl.

A year wiser now, I’ve grown to a much wider concept about people, about the world we live in. It’s a bizarre notion to merely just think the optimistic things about lives. Yours. Mine. Theirs. About misconception of perpetual love. About believing what’s best.

I’ve spent the last 20 minutes reading previous entries which were mostly written based on my feelings at that very moment. And I’m still catching up on some more. So much have taken shape. Things have progressed. Some have changed. Some stay the same.

Am looking forward for more adventurous and meaningful years to come. With so-called promising agendas.

I am ready. Yet I am scared. Of things. Yet to happen.

Only God knows.