I think about you constantly, whether it's with my mind or my heart. ~ Albany Bach Reid

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Somewhere in.. anywhere but here.

Dear Bruno,

I was right there, going through the files of my quite-for-awhile-unattended office desktop; cheekily laughing as I went through the old photos of my friends and I (remembering the good ol' times), even choking up tears as I bumped into old sappy mementos of so-called true love (we can always be naive and all velvety when it comes to love right).

Suddenly I noticed this one lonely song left untouched at the corner of my 'hanie2' folder and I made that magical click and I was hooked. How in the world I could have missed this song of yours before, Bruno?!

Do you wanna know what came into my mind when I first listened to it? You may laugh all you want but I can say these three words; my first crush.

Yup. Ask me why. Ask me how. I would just blink cos' I have no idea how the image of that boy popped right there in my messed up mind. This song reminds me of him. The beat. The melody.

Memory is funny sometimes. In my younger days some memories I remember vividly, others I remember as snapshots. Ok. So here goes nothing. So he would be named..er..he. Lol. (if you could only see me blushing like a school girl right now..gees..)

He mattered back then because I generated my first developed feelings towards opposite sex into him. He was the turning point of it all. Before him I saw no significance of wanting to be noticed, to be cherished. However, at first I remember going through the confusion. I mean, when you see your childhood crush, a part of you might feel quite embarrassed and you might want to run away and hide. As if you had your skirt got stuck at one part in your panties at the back or something. Another part of you might imagine your crush noticing you and sharing the same feelings.

The heart would skip couple of beats, legs would refuse to stand, toes would sketch artful semicircles, and eyes would glow with special light.

It was a nice feeling. Even nicer and surreal when he and I were good friends. Yeap. We were both the school prefect and I can never forget the day when we were punished by our Prefect Advisor, Cikgu Zakaria Tahir (wow I can remember his full name! Bravo Suria) at the meeting for not wearing our yellow tie. There we were, standing side by side, in front of our fellow mates throughout the meeting, embarrassed and all, yet that was the day I favoured the most! It was as though we were meant to be together, even when you're going against the rules. Lol.

There's another day that I can remember clearly. Of cos' it is still about him. It was the day when UPSR result came out and it happened that we had our sport carnival or something, so we were all in such good spirit, not wearing school uniforms and all. To cut a long story short, after congratulating and hugging, I was on my way to the field when I saw him. He was leaning forward with one hand against the wall, the other continuously bashing the wall; sobbing.

I was devastated. Am telling you, it was the worst feeling ever watching him like that.

We had our moments. He was the boy who was complicated and intriguing. He was the boy who lit up whenever he saw rainbow (and Coke). He was the boy I wanted to marry.. (hey..hold on..too wordy there..). Pardon me. He was the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life forever with when I was 12 years old, and now he was gone. Taken. I guess. I dunno. We went our separate lives. I haven't seen him for years.

Of course now he is no longer a boy. Hell no. I mean, even back then when we were in school, he was already like one of the coolest so-called teens with such attitude as if he owned the world, ya' know. Perhaps he is already a father of a boy. Or boys. Wow. Imagine that.

He is somewhere out there. Happy and healthy, InsyaAllah.

Some of my friends claim that they never fully got over their first crush. Not me. It's just a childhood crush, for crying out loud! Now I wonder, perhaps they got mixed up between first crush and first love???

Whoa. Huuuge difference there. I know someone who can never ever, I repeat never ever forget his first love. Not in million years. OK. Enough. So there.

Omg. Did I just spill about my first crush to you? Gees, I blame your song. Darn you're good.

Suria Perkasa Hitam

p/s: He used to call me that before we.. you know. Lol.