I think about you constantly, whether it's with my mind or my heart. ~ Albany Bach Reid

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Old journal resurfaced: What crawls beneath

The vast grey hole that kinda ate away weeks ago, when I had my so-called blow, continues to slowly radiate. Which is a good, good thing. I was at such a pitch of frantic activity, with my mind generating a half quarter million new ideas every minute, that a lifetime has lived so far.

Of late, I've been extensively reworking (which is no doubt why a lot of old stuff has been coming to the surface recently). Then this morning, I located my long-lost journal (it’s not entirely lost, I just left it unattended) in my abandoned, rarely used study area, which is beginning to rival our storeroom as a place to stash things.

It was such a divine emotion creeping inside when I held it in my hand. But I had to immediately put it aside. The journal was my insights on life and bonds that cropped up way back then. When I was a lot younger, and more naïve.

At once, I blushed and sorta felt a mixed sentiment at the grandiosity of what I'd written under my childish impulses. I don't think there's any way I could bring myself to put some of that anywhere, let alone on my blog.

I realize that grandiosity is a hallmark of expression. And, to be honest, I don't even recognize myself in the words. It's like a different person wrote it. Someone that I feel I want to make friends with. Guess I was even cooler and high-spirited girl back then (yea right).

Reading it does not inspire guilt or a sadness that won't go away, but it was nonetheless a momentary shock.

But much more shocking than that was the realization that I hadn't once reread it since I was in my mid U year. It seems like such a strange oversight. I can only conclude that my unconscious and free spirited mind was attempting to recover its poise by burying the words of the journal in the same way the physical journal itself was stashed away amidst the clutter of my study.

Hell, I don't really need the journal to augment the way I view my life today, since there is already enough in there to make me cringe every time I read it.

Maybe I’ll just browse through the stacked cheeky notes instead. Lol.

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