'Sampai bila-bila'

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I've lost it again. I poured my heart out, in fact I even revealed some things that even to myself I don't have the courage to tell (*sigh.. yeap, that bad)

I was in a state so vulnerable that I simply opened up and spilled.

I was asked again and again to simply open my eyes. To allow the reality to kick in. Close friends are worried that I might hurt people who really care about me along the way if I keep doing this.

Yesterday, I longed for something that was mine. Yesterday I forgot to breathe and instead, I tried to reach for uncertainty.

Love does that to you. To me, I mean.

I went to sleep with a sore heart. Heartbroken. Big time, again. Then I woke up at 4 am. Everything came flashing in my mind while succumbing to darkness early in the morning.

I can't let go. 'Sampai bila?' they asked. I simply shrugged my shoulders.

'Bila-bila. Sampai bila-bila.'

What we cannot change

Dear Diary,

Here’s another love song that tugs, that speaks about relationships and choosing acceptance instead of conflict.

“I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, I will change

Whatever I, whenever I can”

I have accepted the fact that we cannot fix everything, nor do I believe everything is meant to be fixed. Some things just are. The sooner we stop trying to change things and learn to embrace complexity, mystery, and wonder, we will find an enormous source of peace.

When we come head to head with what we cannot change, we have a choice to let it go, to forgive, or to love. Perhaps the latter is the hardest for most to understand. I think it’s wise to say “I will learn [to let go, to forgive, to love] what I cannot change.”

It is not easy. It hurts.

It is a process, and one that we may not fully understand until we’ve been there and come out on the other side. It is possible to love what you cannot change, to embrace it, and to find beauty and truth in even the smallest of joys and heartaches.

The defiant resolution “but I will change” is really the key in my opinion. While we often have little power over situations or people in our lives, we have complete control over our own thoughts and actions. We begin by taking responsibility for and owning our baggage: When I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick… the pain is self-inflicted… I can’t care about how everyone else really feels, I have enough hurt of my own to heal.

It may be “easier to please the world than it is to please myself,” but we have to learn to make ourselves happy and find fulfillment in ourselves and not in others. Relying on things, circumstances, or people to make you happy is futility.

Thing is, it is an amazing song full of powerful truths that could take years to discover and a lifetime to learn. I am a bit lucky to finally get it when others can’t. Or won’t.

Ada apa dengan ikan?

Here's something about me. I have never, ever taken care of fishes. The idea of feeding them, cleaning their tank etc seem to be out of reach. Seriously.

Truth is, I am not into fishes in aquariums but wait, there's one, ONE exception. The aquarium/tank should be really big and spacious so that they all can happily swim all over. I pity those fishes that are quite big and yeah, I know they are really nice to look at but still, their movements (is that the right word?) are limited. I can't stop myself thinking that they are better off in the river(?), ocean (?) or other places.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, students from one of my classes gave me this:

I was taken by surprise at first, because chocolates, shawls, oranges (CNY y'all) etc would be some of the common gifts from students but a fish?! Gees. After a total one minute quietly staring numbly at the small tank, I started beaming from ear to ear. A cute gift, don't you think?! LOL

However, after a few minutes more, I started to panic. I have zero experience, I repeat, zero experience handling fishes, mind you. The fact that they provide everything plus the food and all didn't help me any better at the time. It was a hilarious moment for me and the kids for a while there.

Now I have both the art of fishes and a living fish! Yieha! Yes, you can have the real one because I worry I might innocently kill the fish earlier than I expect (in fact right now, I am fighting the urge to keep feeding the fishy- words from my students echo 'Feed it only twice a day, Miss. And not more than 4 pellets')

I was like, 'Not more than 4 small, tiny pellets??! You're joking, right'. Gees. Yes, you can have the living, swimming fishy but not the beautiful, gold-coloured fishes. The accessory box is ultimately mine forever. A special gift from Vietnam. *wink

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an additional mission in my office; staring at a bluish, tropical fish.

A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?
~ Drew Barrymore

Left unsaid.

Silent fall.

It’s been awhile since I last cried (I won't spill the reason of me crying last time.. ever). Tonight, I’m crying again. Over a movie. *blwweek Oookay, am exaggarating. Just a few, countable tears down the cheek.

It’s Silent Fall, a 90s movie with Liv Tyler (she was waay too young and hot), Linda Hamilton and some other well-known stars which I can’t be bothered knowing.


Am not going into details about the storyline, but right this minute, my tears are falling simply by just watching the way Liv’s brother, aged around 8 year old who is autistic banging his body against the cushioned wall (he’s admitted to a psychiatric ward), continuously whisking himself around, as the lead Dr. tries so hard calming him down.

I’m not sure what really bothers me but it is sad and frustrating watching a kid, who barely speaks, tries so hard to suppress his emotion yet at the same time wanting so bad to spill, needing his loved one to understand his pain.

“Nobody knows the real meaning of autism.” I search for a connection.You have words to say, but you can't find a way to say them. How familiar, how bizzare.


A really nice one. Anything that can make me sleep at night, soundly mind you.

Ibumu ibuku jua..

“Orang perempuan once dah jadi isteri, her priority adalah suami, no matter what. Syurga isteri di bawah telapak kaki suami. Orang lelaki pulak tak kira bujang or suami orang, syurga dia tetap di bawah telapak kaki ibu.”(Lynn, 2010)

There I was, listening quietly last night as I drove us to our new addition of dinning spots. I can’t remember exactly the root of it that sparked the whole conversation on responsibilities as a woman and a man. My friend's rambling on the matter reminded me of my newly married cousin who since forever strongly stressed that his entire world is his mother, no matter what. Secretly, the three of us (his brother, our other cousin and I) made a harmless bet, stating that he would if not much, have trouble devoting his loyalty and love towards the one mother, for now he has known the new world of having a wife. We want to see if the common mother/daughter-in-law war occurs in their world. =)

In a way I know, it’s an unspoken vow between a husband and a wife that nothing can come between a son and a mother. It’s an unspoken vow that automatically, you as a wife should love your mother in law like your very own mother.

(A mental note there: Your husband=your life/his mother=his life/his life=your life) Translation: There shouldn’t be any conflict when your other half’s mother is in the picture.

I mean, it’s a lovely thing, right because after marriage you’ll have two mothers. Such a blessing.

Another year has gone by..

It's the second anniversary of || Of Mas Tulen and Honey ||. Woohoo. The creator hasn't been nice for she rarely gets the chance to pour her heart out. Life's a struggle; coping with people, work, hearts.

She quickly clicked on last year's entry on the exact date. Things have changed this year. A lot in fact. Mas Tulen has if not much, evolved abit. Two whole years.

She remembers the day when she started typing and creating this whole blog thing on the 8th of October 2008, exactly 3 days after she reported herself here, in a place so foreign ('cos eventhough her father's clans are scattered around, she didn't recall calling the place 'kampung saya balik beraya'..ever). It didn't suit her, well.. maybe never.

Things change. People change. She changes.

This is what she has in mind; Nothing in life is forever. We need to embrace change as we would an old friend.

Bitter-sweet though it may be.

2 years: I've survived

Wow. Today is the 5th of October 2010. It's been exactly 2 years! Wo hooo.

I've learned a lot here. I've met many. I've been wacked. I’ve been cherished. It’s one hell of an experience.

Experience by Dorothy Livesay (1955)

"For your own good" they said,
And they gave me bread
Bitter and hard to swallow.

My head felt tired after it,
My heart felt hollow.
So I went away on my own road
Tasting all fruits, all breads:
And if some were bitter, others were sweet --
So I learned
How the heart is fed.