Life in a Love

Life in a Love

Robert Browning (1855)

Escape me?
Never
Beloved!
While I am I, and you are you,
So long as the world contains us both,
Me the loving and you the loth,
While the one eludes, must the other pursue.
My life is a fault at last, I fear:
It seems too much like a fate, indeed!
Though I do my best I shall scarce succeed.
But what if I fail of my purpose here?
It is but to keep the nerves at strain,
To dry one's eyes and laugh at a fall,
And baffled, get up to begin again,
So the chase takes up one's life, that's all.
While, look but once from your farthest bound,
At me so deep in the dust and dark,
No sooner the old hope drops to ground
Than a new one, straight to the selfsame mark,
I shape me
Ever
Removed!

___________________________________________________________

Another scar.

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile, I know. I didn't get to visit often, and believe me when I say that I've tried.

Of late, people are making assumptions. They like to have some rather fascinating ideas of their own that they somehow 'know' me. It is quite nerve-wrecking and funny and scary all jumbled up at once, a mixed feeling. I've been trying to ignore the constant so called concerns of them over me, yet to simply brush everything off is a mission impossible. Theories and speculations which some are beyond words and some simply suck the air out of you; suffocating.

Simplest example would be on why I haven't posted anything. I never thought that my pieces of thoughts here gave them ideas on how I live my life as a whole, on how I succumb to relationships or even the way I think. How bizarre.

But those assumptions mean nothing to me. I mean not as much to what am about to spill.

This one theory that some have projected about me has embarked on a higher scale, testing my little patience. Last 12th of August 2010, would be one of the days that I can never erase. A day which it gives me more insights on human characters. It felt like a wound. But you might say that a wound heals and I couldn't agree more.

However, it will stay and trust me, it leaves a mark so deep. It's like a scar that reminds you of things people could do just to hurt you.

Yet I soar. So high up to the sky.

I never got the chance

I mean it. Full stop.

I may not have a superb memory like trying to recall what actually happened on this particular day on this particular place (if you’re reading this, Nala I know you’d be saying ‘cuya kan lale’). It’s a bit sad actually.

I can’t be much of help if let say about a minute ago some adorable young kid who was standing close to me suddenly vanished into thin air if the officers start asking me questions about the colour of his t-shirt, his face anything. Cos’ I am not good at that, spotting things and recalling scenes. It’s not one of my many specialties. There goes my nomination for Best Eye Witness Ever in Crime.

Yet. I remember words people say to me, especially promises. I hold on to that. It matters to me. Cos’ the thing is, I don’t say words that I don’t mean. Maybe it’s a weakness of mine trying to keep telling myself that for some people, words are just words but you shouldn’t say things when you don’t mean it.

I mean what I say. As simple as that.

Ada apa dengan Adamaya?

I don’t really get it. It’s a story about a wife who cheats. Yeah, shoot me. I mean, people are going all gaga about it, but all I can see is that. A cheating wife.

My students, bless ‘em for being more analytical now for trying to understand more than the surface, are rather excited about 'Adamaya'. It’s about that cute chick, Lisa Suria..oops Surihani most probably that have them hooked to that series. I tried to be aware of the values instill within, but a part of watching Amani playing all cutey and naive, I have nothing else to say.

Seriously though, it’s a taboo that shouldn’t ever happen in any marriage, right. But from what my dear colleague said that day while we were having breakfast, nowadays it’s not rare anymore to have wives playing lurvy-durvy behind their husbands’ back and I was like..'wwhaat?'. I mean, it’s wrong already right when being a wife and think about some guy which is not your hubby guy. Gees.

The question is, are the husbands being all nice and forgivable (like Adam) when their wives two-time them or they (the husbands) have no guts to take actions?

'Adamaya' is over now. Am all ears waiting for reviews of a new drama series that women plus my students spend time watching. If it’s good, then you’ll hear nothing about it from me.

Of making all the right (apt?) moves

Picture this.

You’ve reached your house and you turn off the ignition.

You’re staring at the wall before you. Everything is so quiet. Nothing seems to bother you.

Not the neighbours, not even the vehicles passing by.

You barely move a muscle.

Next thing you know, you glance at your watch and there.You’ve been sitting behind the wheel for 15 minutes!

You let out a long, heavy sigh.

15 minutes. Even the private, I-don’t-bother-your-life-so-you-don’t-bother-mine lady next door seems to get a bit restless.

Body needs to be revived, mind hungers for words of wisdom.

Yet you still don’t know what to do.

There's always tomorrow

The moment of peace after waking up lasts all but ten minutes. Yup, that 'long'. As I go into the bathroom, I feel yesterday's blues reassert themselves in my forehead.

Still, there's no desperate rush this morning. I have time to catch the usual yaks of MHI for a while but at nine o'clock I'm obliged to log on to the computer and start my work. I tell myself that I will not let myself feel rushed. I'll maintain a Zen-like calm, taking moments out of the day to center myself. I will go for breakfast, and not allow myself to get flustered and irritable, unlike yesterday. Geez, yesterday was a catastrophe. Let’s not go into that.

For days now, I've been meaning to set aside time for figuring out a new, cooler way to live. To foster practices that will not let my mood be assaulted by the demands of the day, loads of paperwork, or my own drive to get as much done as I can.

I hope to do that today, but, by twelve thirty I realize that I'm exactly where I don't want to be. I'm constantly pushing myself to work on the scripts marking, I'm anxious and dejected, and I haven't gotten as far in my work as I need to (the shifting deadline is currently set for Friday..yikes!!)

How am I supposed to fit everything else in today, in addition to work: going for that marking, working on my assignments, taking time out to figure out how to be? By five thirty, however, I stop working, turn off the computer and hit the road. Earlier I escaped, during the day, to a cafe with thoughts on catching up with Dr. Hanim's assigned articles, half an hour from the university. I need to get out of the office sometimes to keep my sanity.

But it's too late, now, to do everything I wanted to do, since I'll be going out with the crew not long after Maghrib prayer. Still, I could make a start. But wait, I need to put this down for awhile. Am so in the mood to get this off my chest. There's always something that needs doing today.

And, there's always tomorrow ...err. Right? (boy am I in trouble)

Nadiku

I promised myself before that I won't make this blog as a platform for a total expression of feelings. Instead, I've turned it to a personal rack of collection of songs that I currently listen to. Which I think some how reflects a certain degree of emotional shout outs.

Things are going smoothly lately, for those who are wondering (and no, am still keeping and running Of Mas Tulen and Honey ). Things are good. And most of them are created out of changes and adjustment. 'Cos that's what we do as humans. We adapt to changes and adjustments.

I've missed out some things. At the same time, I am missing some things as well. Such a shame.

Aaanyways. I first heard this song while I was on my usual route coming home from work in Dungun. Of late, I rarely have my radio blasted on like I used to, and then that one particular day, my finger pushed the radio button on and there you might have guessed it, this song was aired. And I was stuck. Up until this very moment. Tomorrow is a different story.

Have a go at it (if you haven't, I mean). I won't babble about how this song affects me in some ways or anything.

Cheers.