London riot: A display of The End of Humanity

Dear Asyraf,

My heart twitched watching you in the clip. My eyes glued to the screen; praying that you are better now.

You must be scared to death; while you were bleeding, sore and hurt like hell, all of a sudden a gang of well-built boys surrounded you. Perhaps at first you were relief that they came offering help. How on earth would you know that they only came to rob you! It is indeed a sickening world!

Since the embark of London riot a few days ago, we over here in Malaysia have been contacting families members and friends in hope of continuous safety.

I pray for your speedy recovery, dear.

Read the details more here and here.

Just breathe

Dear Diary,

It is quite fun today. Someone whom I know a very strong willed person, rarely succumb to any sort of challenges; finally admits defeat. It must be the hot weather or something cos’ he’s been looking all gloomy throughout the day, makes him snapped and there you have it; white flag soaring high in the sky!

Thing is, there’s nothing wrong in admitting that you have weaknesses, or admitting that you have made a mistake.

I have two types here. One; a guy who seems to think he is built out of steel that just the touch of his fingertip would shake if not the world, the water. Lol. Someone who rarely, I repeat rarely says no to things. Two; a lady who is a whiner, attached to her weakness til the day she finally understands the words ‘Get a grip!’.

So. Let’s talk about type Number Two. Like I said earlier, it is OK to admit your weaknesses. Just don’t overdo it. I have the privilege of knowing the lady, whom I would safely name her Joyah. Joyah is an example of someone who goes overboard in admitting her flaws again and again, and again. She is quite known of this flaw of hers (let’s just focus on one for now shall we) and it is quite safe for me to say that we (aka friends) tend to help her whenever she comes across having this flaw getting in the way. Yet instead of trying to improve or do something about this repairable weakness, Joyah does nothing but self-loathing herself. Saying over and over again how she STILL can’t do it. I don’t know about others, but gees, she drives me nuts. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a sweet lady, but whenever she does that, I’d be running away in split second.

It’s a reminder really to myself. About balance in life. When you can’t do it, when you have flaws; try to deal with it. Improve. It’s important.

I read somewhere that admitting weakness and vulnerability portrays us as a human and hence encourages others (who know they have weaknesses too) to be sympathetic and to bond more closely with us.

It is not wrong at all when at some point in life we are beginning to feel frustrated and angered that we take some time to think first and relax. That exactly what has happened to type Number One.

I was pretty naughty I know that I grinned sheepishly at him, resisting myself from saying ‘Told you to take it easy’.

Let’s face it. We all need to be reminded that it is OK to slow down.

Just breathe.

If you forget me

*Thanks Elviza, for that one powerful poem by Pablo Neruda; has haunted me.

The moment I clicked that 'Play' button in her entry, I was hooked. Perhaps the words, the voice, the background music; I wept. 'Tonight I could write the saddest lines' is one of the honest, deep love poems I've ever encountered.

Here I am now, listening to Madonna.

All I want is..

Dear blog,

By the time I finally met you and did my ritual, I noticed that I have turned you into a video blog; which was never my intention in the beginning. However, sometimes songs deliver what can't be expressed by spoken (mind you, written) words.



It is what I am feeling. It is so raw I can even taste it. No matter what I do I feel the pain. Putting the hideous sight of those five boys aside (JT didn't know what he was doing don't ya think? Lol), it's tearing me apart considering the fact that I can't see beyond..'now'.

Here's the problem. We are living in a community where books are judged by their covers. A community where normality is a way of life where being a bit out of norm is a question mark.

I don't expect people to understand of course.

People would question, "Is that the right thing to do, Suria?" or, or "See the whole picture, open your heart to the possibilities" and the best one would be "Come on, time will tell, just give it a shot". Easy for you to say!

It's all jumbled up; my mental jigsaw puzzle. I can see there are so missing pieces that I have to grit my teeth and take a deep breath.

I'll manage, believe me. But in the meantime....

just take me away to Agra and I'll be free!



I miss you, b.

Syukur..

I was early today and this song was played the very minute I had the engine running.



While singing to it the entire short route to work, it got me thinking that "I'll have a good day today, as one of the coolest 80's songs greeted me this fine morning". Though I knew earlier I would have a stretch of work piles waiting, I was gleaming.

And guess what, right now it's already 5.15pm and boy, I am still feeling great! Plus, a dear friend has just said something sweet to me and I thanked her for adding extra hours of happiness for today.

I thank you Allah for making me feel this way today. Alhamdulillah. How I wish for more good things come my way and my love ones'. Amin.

Somewhere in.. anywhere but here.

Dear Bruno,

I was right there, going through the files of my quite-for-awhile-unattended office desktop; cheekily laughing as I went through the old photos of my friends and I (remembering the good ol' times), even choking up tears as I bumped into old sappy mementos of so-called true love (we can always be naive and all velvety when it comes to love right).

Suddenly I noticed this one lonely song left untouched at the corner of my 'hanie2' folder and I made that magical click and I was hooked. How in the world I could have missed this song of yours before, Bruno?!

Do you wanna know what came into my mind when I first listened to it? You may laugh all you want but I can say these three words; my first crush.

Yup. Ask me why. Ask me how. I would just blink cos' I have no idea how the image of that boy popped right there in my messed up mind. This song reminds me of him. The beat. The melody.

Memory is funny sometimes. In my younger days some memories I remember vividly, others I remember as snapshots. Ok. So here goes nothing. So he would be named..er..he. Lol. (if you could only see me blushing like a school girl right now..gees..)

He mattered back then because I generated my first developed feelings towards opposite sex into him. He was the turning point of it all. Before him I saw no significance of wanting to be noticed, to be cherished. However, at first I remember going through the confusion. I mean, when you see your childhood crush, a part of you might feel quite embarrassed and you might want to run away and hide. As if you had your skirt got stuck at one part in your panties at the back or something. Another part of you might imagine your crush noticing you and sharing the same feelings.

The heart would skip couple of beats, legs would refuse to stand, toes would sketch artful semicircles, and eyes would glow with special light.

It was a nice feeling. Even nicer and surreal when he and I were good friends. Yeap. We were both the school prefect and I can never forget the day when we were punished by our Prefect Advisor, Cikgu Zakaria Tahir (wow I can remember his full name! Bravo Suria) at the meeting for not wearing our yellow tie. There we were, standing side by side, in front of our fellow mates throughout the meeting, embarrassed and all, yet that was the day I favoured the most! It was as though we were meant to be together, even when you're going against the rules. Lol.

There's another day that I can remember clearly. Of cos' it is still about him. It was the day when UPSR result came out and it happened that we had our sport carnival or something, so we were all in such good spirit, not wearing school uniforms and all. To cut a long story short, after congratulating and hugging, I was on my way to the field when I saw him. He was leaning forward with one hand against the wall, the other continuously bashing the wall; sobbing.

I was devastated. Am telling you, it was the worst feeling ever watching him like that.

We had our moments. He was the boy who was complicated and intriguing. He was the boy who lit up whenever he saw rainbow (and Coke). He was the boy I wanted to marry.. (hey..hold on..too wordy there..). Pardon me. He was the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life forever with when I was 12 years old, and now he was gone. Taken. I guess. I dunno. We went our separate lives. I haven't seen him for years.

Of course now he is no longer a boy. Hell no. I mean, even back then when we were in school, he was already like one of the coolest so-called teens with such attitude as if he owned the world, ya' know. Perhaps he is already a father of a boy. Or boys. Wow. Imagine that.

He is somewhere out there. Happy and healthy, InsyaAllah.

Some of my friends claim that they never fully got over their first crush. Not me. It's just a childhood crush, for crying out loud! Now I wonder, perhaps they got mixed up between first crush and first love???

Whoa. Huuuge difference there. I know someone who can never ever, I repeat never ever forget his first love. Not in million years. OK. Enough. So there.

Omg. Did I just spill about my first crush to you? Gees, I blame your song. Darn you're good.

Regards,
Suria Perkasa Hitam

p/s: He used to call me that before we.. you know. Lol.

Knock! Knock! Who's there? It's me, L.

Dear Ne-yo,

People who know me, know I love you. People who ride with me, would bleed to death listening to your numbers back to back in the car. Though Peter (Cetera) is still one of the best, you darl; touch me. Deeply.

Then he came along, and soon enough he claimed “One in A Million” as his. I ached, when I should have jumped with joy witnessed by the glittering skies when he hummed the song and effortlessly sang the chorus. He took me by surprise.

He; listens, and I twitch because of that.

Before, one and one person only I see dances along with you, Ne-yo as I cruise along the melody. Now, numbly I linger for the film to roll; just to see whether the image remains the same.

“Jasad tidak setanding mimpi..”

Dear Tuah,

Watching you again tonight brings up memories. Do I need to remind you that I went and watched you performed on screen twice?

Your love, my unspoken rogue, went uncherished. You who broke Gusti Putri’s heart; paid the price.

You who didn’t do anything; cringed under the dark skies. It was too late. Could you not hear her shrieking, haunting cries of regret?

You who could only say; “Apakan daya...tangan terikat di langit, kaki berpasak di bumi, jasad tidak setanding mimpi.”

I quote what the one and only princess of Gunung Ledang said with such unbearable pain, watching her other half admitting, committing nothing;

“Kanda sambut kedatangan dinda dengan niat melukai..”

Enough said.

“Kuhinakan diriku sendiri untuk merengkuh cinta sejati. Cintamu bagai cahaya mentari yang membakar wajahku. Meski sekilas kurasakan, namun akan menjadi bekal hingga akhir zaman” - Gusti Putri Retno Dumillah