Until it's time

I’ve done a mistake. I mean, I’ve done many mistakes before but last night is a new record.

I’ve hurt someone and I feel bad. It’s a new feeling. Guess I’ve finally collected the luggage left unattended at the airport months ago, and now I’m restoring my feelings and sensitivity clothes to their original spaces again in the heart compartment.

I ought to say that ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I didn’t mean what I did or what I said’ but I just can’t. At least not yet.

………………..... (?)

No. I am not ready. I’m repacking. I shouldn’t have the luggage opened in the first place. I shouldn't have. Yes, that’s it. I’m putting all back inside.

A longing.

After spending many ridiculous hours working on papers, it turned out that the internal deadline have passed without anyone knowing. I can only hope it was a joke.

Before you know it, it’s already the last week of November. Whooosh. Making friends with the bullet train aren’t you, dear time?

I've been reading articles and articles for class.

I’m reading ungrateful undergrads’ write ups which more than half of them bringing regretful tears into my eyes out of their lack of originality and passion.

I'm reading books and books in an attempt to catch up and have better look on my proposal.

I'm not reading enough though.

I'm not reading enough fiction. I miss reading fiction. So much.

It’s been awhile since I sat quietly, holding a novel in my hand, and merrily breathed in the words, as the world faded in the background.

I have a stack of new fictions on my shelf (looking sadly at them now). They are exciting books. Good ones.

I wish I had the time to read them.

*sigh

Mental note: It cuts both ways.

It cuts both ways
Our love is like knife
That cuts both ways
It's driven deep into my heart each time
That I realize
How it cuts both ways
Can't be together
Cannot live apart
We're heading straight into a broken heart
But I can't stop

'Cause I feel too much to let you go
I'm hurting you and it's hard I know
To stay and fight for what we've got
Knowing it'll never be good enough
'Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life ain't that way
Don't ask for more
You'd be a fool
Haven't we already broken every rule

It cuts both ways, we're in too deep for sorry alibis
Can't have regrets or even question why
We can't say goodbye
Because it cuts both ways
No more illusions of the love we make
No sacrifice would ever be too great
If you would just stay

'Sampai bila-bila'

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I've lost it again. I poured my heart out, in fact I even revealed some things that even to myself I don't have the courage to tell (*sigh.. yeap, that bad)

I was in a state so vulnerable that I simply opened up and spilled.

I was asked again and again to simply open my eyes. To allow the reality to kick in. Close friends are worried that I might hurt people who really care about me along the way if I keep doing this.

Yesterday, I longed for something that was mine. Yesterday I forgot to breathe and instead, I tried to reach for uncertainty.

Love does that to you. To me, I mean.

I went to sleep with a sore heart. Heartbroken. Big time, again. Then I woke up at 4 am. Everything came flashing in my mind while succumbing to darkness early in the morning.

I can't let go. 'Sampai bila?' they asked. I simply shrugged my shoulders.

'Bila-bila. Sampai bila-bila.'

What we cannot change

Dear Diary,

Here’s another love song that tugs, that speaks about relationships and choosing acceptance instead of conflict.

“I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, I will change

Whatever I, whenever I can”

I have accepted the fact that we cannot fix everything, nor do I believe everything is meant to be fixed. Some things just are. The sooner we stop trying to change things and learn to embrace complexity, mystery, and wonder, we will find an enormous source of peace.

When we come head to head with what we cannot change, we have a choice to let it go, to forgive, or to love. Perhaps the latter is the hardest for most to understand. I think it’s wise to say “I will learn [to let go, to forgive, to love] what I cannot change.”

It is not easy. It hurts.

It is a process, and one that we may not fully understand until we’ve been there and come out on the other side. It is possible to love what you cannot change, to embrace it, and to find beauty and truth in even the smallest of joys and heartaches.

The defiant resolution “but I will change” is really the key in my opinion. While we often have little power over situations or people in our lives, we have complete control over our own thoughts and actions. We begin by taking responsibility for and owning our baggage: When I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick… the pain is self-inflicted… I can’t care about how everyone else really feels, I have enough hurt of my own to heal.

It may be “easier to please the world than it is to please myself,” but we have to learn to make ourselves happy and find fulfillment in ourselves and not in others. Relying on things, circumstances, or people to make you happy is futility.

Thing is, it is an amazing song full of powerful truths that could take years to discover and a lifetime to learn. I am a bit lucky to finally get it when others can’t. Or won’t.

Ada apa dengan ikan?

Here's something about me. I have never, ever taken care of fishes. The idea of feeding them, cleaning their tank etc seem to be out of reach. Seriously.

Truth is, I am not into fishes in aquariums but wait, there's one, ONE exception. The aquarium/tank should be really big and spacious so that they all can happily swim all over. I pity those fishes that are quite big and yeah, I know they are really nice to look at but still, their movements (is that the right word?) are limited. I can't stop myself thinking that they are better off in the river(?), ocean (?) or other places.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, students from one of my classes gave me this:

I was taken by surprise at first, because chocolates, shawls, oranges (CNY y'all) etc would be some of the common gifts from students but a fish?! Gees. After a total one minute quietly staring numbly at the small tank, I started beaming from ear to ear. A cute gift, don't you think?! LOL

However, after a few minutes more, I started to panic. I have zero experience, I repeat, zero experience handling fishes, mind you. The fact that they provide everything plus the food and all didn't help me any better at the time. It was a hilarious moment for me and the kids for a while there.

Now I have both the art of fishes and a living fish! Yieha! Yes, you can have the real one because I worry I might innocently kill the fish earlier than I expect (in fact right now, I am fighting the urge to keep feeding the fishy- words from my students echo 'Feed it only twice a day, Miss. And not more than 4 pellets')

I was like, 'Not more than 4 small, tiny pellets??! You're joking, right'. Gees. Yes, you can have the living, swimming fishy but not the beautiful, gold-coloured fishes. The accessory box is ultimately mine forever. A special gift from Vietnam. *wink

Now if you'll excuse me, I have an additional mission in my office; staring at a bluish, tropical fish.

A fish may love a bird, but where would they live?
~ Drew Barrymore