Salam Maal Hijrah 1432

A new year. Phew.

It’s been a good start. An opposite to last year. I started off 1431 with heartache and sarcasm on the side. It has been a pretty crazy year for me. A rollercoaster of work expansion, mood swings, relationships, diversity of the assignments, and being massively loaded with extra teaching here and there.

Thank God though that my second part of the year got better, in fact got really good. I couldn’t stop smiling on a few occasions.

So, I am expecting really nice, happier things this year. Am praying for the simplest thing really; to be happy.

With the highs and lows of 1431/2010 now put to bed and plans pretty much visualized for 1432/2011, I have one over-riding New Year's ambition:

I want to be better at everything I do. Like a lot, lot better. I want to make every single thing matters and better!

Well, of couse I’d be adding more to the resolution list in the near future. Which most would not be carried out or achieved. Hey, I’ll make it happen this time. Yiiiieha!

Yikes, make way for my conscious, highly composed self to speak:

Ehem.

I think that the biggest problem with New Year's resolutions is that people (especially me) have grandiose and unrealistic ideas, promise that they will fulfill them in the coming year, then in many cases, don't manage to succeed.

However, I believe that if one merely resolves to attempt to change something for the better (realizing full well that one might not succeed), and does so with you know, realistic expectations, this can be a good thing.

Good luck!

Wishing you

happy memories of the past and

a great beginning for the coming of

HIJRAH 1432

Until it's time

I’ve done a mistake. I mean, I’ve done many mistakes before but last night is a new record.

I’ve hurt someone and I feel bad. It’s a new feeling. Guess I’ve finally collected the luggage left unattended at the airport months ago, and now I’m restoring my feelings and sensitivity clothes to their original spaces again in the heart compartment.

I ought to say that ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I didn’t mean what I did or what I said’ but I just can’t. At least not yet.

………………..... (?)

No. I am not ready. I’m repacking. I shouldn’t have the luggage opened in the first place. I shouldn't have. Yes, that’s it. I’m putting all back inside.

A longing.

After spending many ridiculous hours working on papers, it turned out that the internal deadline have passed without anyone knowing. I can only hope it was a joke.

Before you know it, it’s already the last week of November. Whooosh. Making friends with the bullet train aren’t you, dear time?

I've been reading articles and articles for class.

I’m reading ungrateful undergrads’ write ups which more than half of them bringing regretful tears into my eyes out of their lack of originality and passion.

I'm reading books and books in an attempt to catch up and have better look on my proposal.

I'm not reading enough though.

I'm not reading enough fiction. I miss reading fiction. So much.

It’s been awhile since I sat quietly, holding a novel in my hand, and merrily breathed in the words, as the world faded in the background.

I have a stack of new fictions on my shelf (looking sadly at them now). They are exciting books. Good ones.

I wish I had the time to read them.

*sigh

Mental note: It cuts both ways.

It cuts both ways
Our love is like knife
That cuts both ways
It's driven deep into my heart each time
That I realize
How it cuts both ways
Can't be together
Cannot live apart
We're heading straight into a broken heart
But I can't stop

'Cause I feel too much to let you go
I'm hurting you and it's hard I know
To stay and fight for what we've got
Knowing it'll never be good enough
'Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life ain't that way
Don't ask for more
You'd be a fool
Haven't we already broken every rule

It cuts both ways, we're in too deep for sorry alibis
Can't have regrets or even question why
We can't say goodbye
Because it cuts both ways
No more illusions of the love we make
No sacrifice would ever be too great
If you would just stay

'Sampai bila-bila'

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I've lost it again. I poured my heart out, in fact I even revealed some things that even to myself I don't have the courage to tell (*sigh.. yeap, that bad)

I was in a state so vulnerable that I simply opened up and spilled.

I was asked again and again to simply open my eyes. To allow the reality to kick in. Close friends are worried that I might hurt people who really care about me along the way if I keep doing this.

Yesterday, I longed for something that was mine. Yesterday I forgot to breathe and instead, I tried to reach for uncertainty.

Love does that to you. To me, I mean.

I went to sleep with a sore heart. Heartbroken. Big time, again. Then I woke up at 4 am. Everything came flashing in my mind while succumbing to darkness early in the morning.

I can't let go. 'Sampai bila?' they asked. I simply shrugged my shoulders.

'Bila-bila. Sampai bila-bila.'

What we cannot change

Dear Diary,

Here’s another love song that tugs, that speaks about relationships and choosing acceptance instead of conflict.

“I will learn to let go what I cannot change

I will learn to forgive what I cannot change

I will learn to love what I cannot change

But I will change, I will change

Whatever I, whenever I can”

I have accepted the fact that we cannot fix everything, nor do I believe everything is meant to be fixed. Some things just are. The sooner we stop trying to change things and learn to embrace complexity, mystery, and wonder, we will find an enormous source of peace.

When we come head to head with what we cannot change, we have a choice to let it go, to forgive, or to love. Perhaps the latter is the hardest for most to understand. I think it’s wise to say “I will learn [to let go, to forgive, to love] what I cannot change.”

It is not easy. It hurts.

It is a process, and one that we may not fully understand until we’ve been there and come out on the other side. It is possible to love what you cannot change, to embrace it, and to find beauty and truth in even the smallest of joys and heartaches.

The defiant resolution “but I will change” is really the key in my opinion. While we often have little power over situations or people in our lives, we have complete control over our own thoughts and actions. We begin by taking responsibility for and owning our baggage: When I need to get my way I know how to pour it on thick… the pain is self-inflicted… I can’t care about how everyone else really feels, I have enough hurt of my own to heal.

It may be “easier to please the world than it is to please myself,” but we have to learn to make ourselves happy and find fulfillment in ourselves and not in others. Relying on things, circumstances, or people to make you happy is futility.

Thing is, it is an amazing song full of powerful truths that could take years to discover and a lifetime to learn. I am a bit lucky to finally get it when others can’t. Or won’t.