Knock! Knock! Who's there? It's me, L.

Dear Ne-yo,

People who know me, know I love you. People who ride with me, would bleed to death listening to your numbers back to back in the car. Though Peter (Cetera) is still one of the best, you darl; touch me. Deeply.

Then he came along, and soon enough he claimed “One in A Million” as his. I ached, when I should have jumped with joy witnessed by the glittering skies when he hummed the song and effortlessly sang the chorus. He took me by surprise.

He; listens, and I twitch because of that.

Before, one and one person only I see dances along with you, Ne-yo as I cruise along the melody. Now, numbly I linger for the film to roll; just to see whether the image remains the same.

“Jasad tidak setanding mimpi..”

Dear Tuah,

Watching you again tonight brings up memories. Do I need to remind you that I went and watched you performed on screen twice?

Your love, my unspoken rogue, went uncherished. You who broke Gusti Putri’s heart; paid the price.

You who didn’t do anything; cringed under the dark skies. It was too late. Could you not hear her shrieking, haunting cries of regret?

You who could only say; “Apakan daya...tangan terikat di langit, kaki berpasak di bumi, jasad tidak setanding mimpi.”

I quote what the one and only princess of Gunung Ledang said with such unbearable pain, watching her other half admitting, committing nothing;

“Kanda sambut kedatangan dinda dengan niat melukai..”

Enough said.

“Kuhinakan diriku sendiri untuk merengkuh cinta sejati. Cintamu bagai cahaya mentari yang membakar wajahku. Meski sekilas kurasakan, namun akan menjadi bekal hingga akhir zaman” - Gusti Putri Retno Dumillah

Let's be friends again

Dear AI,

You must be wondering why o why after so long I’m writing you this letter. I know we haven’t spoken (at least face to face) since 2 or perhaps 3 seasons ago. I had this severed memories of us laughing and babbling together over some ridiculous acts by Sanjaya and us being all critical over Taylor’s grey hair. Even the memory of us got all goggly eyes over the way David caressed his guitar. Gees, that must have been ages ago.

We were happy back then. (*sigh..) Oh well, we’ll just put all that bad feeling behind us and let bygones be bygones.

Last Thursday I realized that you have finally changed, my friend. It’s a good sign. I sincerely missed the way you presented yourself in such an authentic, memorable persona and guess what, you made me ache for more of you, ..er.. I mean your existence before me.

Dear friend,

We must have avoided each other’s paths as I didn’t realize up till last week that you are friends with Steven (sometimes I feel like reaching out for him and you know, do things like touching his lips.. ok.. abit too much there) and also the delicate JLo (oh yea, she doesn’t approve being called that, uh. Can you ask her again for me why?)

Steven is the ultimate reason. No, that didn’t come out right. Let me rephrase. I want us to be friends again because I know you have become a better companion for me because you have seen the light. Being sarcastic and cynical 24/7 is not a good thing and I silently cursed you before for being so close to that mean Simon for way too long. For nine seasons I have to say.

Things with work and relationships and et cetera etcetera are pretty much smothering over my schedule and sometimes way too absurd really to comprehend but I do know I am looking forward for our next get together. You know that I enjoyed every single moment spent with you.

Take care and could you please tell Stevie that my own version of ‘Aaa..uuuuuu’ is perhaps better now. And Jenny there, I hope she won’t abandon her talent of acting even though people claim she is too much of a diva to handle over some movie. She can act, believe me I know. Yes, yes I know Gigli ruined her but still.

See ya'!

Regards,
Your old friend

Salam Maal Hijrah 1432

A new year. Phew.

It’s been a good start. An opposite to last year. I started off 1431 with heartache and sarcasm on the side. It has been a pretty crazy year for me. A rollercoaster of work expansion, mood swings, relationships, diversity of the assignments, and being massively loaded with extra teaching here and there.

Thank God though that my second part of the year got better, in fact got really good. I couldn’t stop smiling on a few occasions.

So, I am expecting really nice, happier things this year. Am praying for the simplest thing really; to be happy.

With the highs and lows of 1431/2010 now put to bed and plans pretty much visualized for 1432/2011, I have one over-riding New Year's ambition:

I want to be better at everything I do. Like a lot, lot better. I want to make every single thing matters and better!

Well, of couse I’d be adding more to the resolution list in the near future. Which most would not be carried out or achieved. Hey, I’ll make it happen this time. Yiiiieha!

Yikes, make way for my conscious, highly composed self to speak:

Ehem.

I think that the biggest problem with New Year's resolutions is that people (especially me) have grandiose and unrealistic ideas, promise that they will fulfill them in the coming year, then in many cases, don't manage to succeed.

However, I believe that if one merely resolves to attempt to change something for the better (realizing full well that one might not succeed), and does so with you know, realistic expectations, this can be a good thing.

Good luck!

Wishing you

happy memories of the past and

a great beginning for the coming of

HIJRAH 1432

Until it's time

I’ve done a mistake. I mean, I’ve done many mistakes before but last night is a new record.

I’ve hurt someone and I feel bad. It’s a new feeling. Guess I’ve finally collected the luggage left unattended at the airport months ago, and now I’m restoring my feelings and sensitivity clothes to their original spaces again in the heart compartment.

I ought to say that ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I didn’t mean what I did or what I said’ but I just can’t. At least not yet.

………………..... (?)

No. I am not ready. I’m repacking. I shouldn’t have the luggage opened in the first place. I shouldn't have. Yes, that’s it. I’m putting all back inside.

A longing.

After spending many ridiculous hours working on papers, it turned out that the internal deadline have passed without anyone knowing. I can only hope it was a joke.

Before you know it, it’s already the last week of November. Whooosh. Making friends with the bullet train aren’t you, dear time?

I've been reading articles and articles for class.

I’m reading ungrateful undergrads’ write ups which more than half of them bringing regretful tears into my eyes out of their lack of originality and passion.

I'm reading books and books in an attempt to catch up and have better look on my proposal.

I'm not reading enough though.

I'm not reading enough fiction. I miss reading fiction. So much.

It’s been awhile since I sat quietly, holding a novel in my hand, and merrily breathed in the words, as the world faded in the background.

I have a stack of new fictions on my shelf (looking sadly at them now). They are exciting books. Good ones.

I wish I had the time to read them.

*sigh

Mental note: It cuts both ways.

It cuts both ways
Our love is like knife
That cuts both ways
It's driven deep into my heart each time
That I realize
How it cuts both ways
Can't be together
Cannot live apart
We're heading straight into a broken heart
But I can't stop

'Cause I feel too much to let you go
I'm hurting you and it's hard I know
To stay and fight for what we've got
Knowing it'll never be good enough
'Cause you and I are dangerous
We want too much and life ain't that way
Don't ask for more
You'd be a fool
Haven't we already broken every rule

It cuts both ways, we're in too deep for sorry alibis
Can't have regrets or even question why
We can't say goodbye
Because it cuts both ways
No more illusions of the love we make
No sacrifice would ever be too great
If you would just stay

'Sampai bila-bila'

Dear Diary,

Yesterday, I've lost it again. I poured my heart out, in fact I even revealed some things that even to myself I don't have the courage to tell (*sigh.. yeap, that bad)

I was in a state so vulnerable that I simply opened up and spilled.

I was asked again and again to simply open my eyes. To allow the reality to kick in. Close friends are worried that I might hurt people who really care about me along the way if I keep doing this.

Yesterday, I longed for something that was mine. Yesterday I forgot to breathe and instead, I tried to reach for uncertainty.

Love does that to you. To me, I mean.

I went to sleep with a sore heart. Heartbroken. Big time, again. Then I woke up at 4 am. Everything came flashing in my mind while succumbing to darkness early in the morning.

I can't let go. 'Sampai bila?' they asked. I simply shrugged my shoulders.

'Bila-bila. Sampai bila-bila.'